TEENAGE BOYS
by Bryan Borland
With our legs
dangling stupidly
over an old wooden bridge,
he asks me if I ever pray.
The hot, sour smell
of the train tracks behind us
mixes with the scent of our stolen beer
and his cologne.
Through the darkness I
feel him studying me.
I think
Yeah I pray. You’re here, aren’t you?
but only mumble
“I guess.”
© Bryan Borland
NOTE: This poem is included in My Life as Adam as “Altar Boys.”
I can see it clearly, that`s what’s missing in everyday life. Do you know/like Arthur Rimbaud gay bohemien poetboy from two centuries ago, you should try a translated version, keep up the good work! I was just surfing the net and stumbled upon you, greetz from boy from holland 15yr. bye!
“Yeah I pray. You’re here, aren’t you?”
I could taste and smell and feel every word. Excellent.
Thanks! I wanted to communicate how the teenage years, at least for me, were the Great Unsaid. What a perfect opportunity to say, “Yeah, I pray. I prayed for a best friend, for someone to talk to. For someone to fit into a brother’s clothes. You’re here, so my prayers were answered.” Instead, the speaker is the tough guy. No emotion. Stupid question. Do I pray? Yeah, I guess.
This is an older poem I revised a bit today. Were the revisions necessary? Sometimes simple is better.
The original poem was pretty bare bones.
This captures the essence of those times when the moment, the here and now, and the answer(s) are bigger than you are.
I like them both, but I have to say in the newer one, there are a couple of lines that seem more forced and might be better in the more bare bones style. Specifically, I prefer the simpler line,”with the scent of our stolen beer and his cologne,” without the description of the cologne. I’m not sure why that strikes me but there you go.
That’s what I’m thinking, M’Lady. I went from:
his cologne
to
his too-strong cologne
to
his muscular and flexing cologne
and in the process I think I overpowered LIKE the cologne…
I would choose the first version if I had to pick only one (I can not explain why), but I think the best option is to put both, so you can show the too slightly different atmospheres.
I like the first version much better than the second. In this case, simple is best. A stunningly visual poem, Bryan.
Version one is far superior, at least from my point of view. Less is more and simple is best sometimes, especially with the uncluttered innocence you’re trying to convey. I loved the imagery of the old wooden bridge and the prayer inserted just there. It made me immediately connect the bridge with that time between childhood and adulthood and prayer with the hopefulness of youth. Such a wonderful metaphor Bryan.
Thanks all – I needed to hear that. My gut said Version One – but my head couldn’t wrap around the notion that such a simple poem was any good. Version Two felt like a betrayal of Version One.
The lesson? Revisions aren’t always necessary or helpful.
I am really liking the ability to get feedback on this site. While it is absolutely cool (and wonderful) to hear the positives, sometimes we need our fellow writers and our readers to grab us by our shoulders and SHAKE us. Suggestions, criticisms, angry yelling, feet stopping, spitting, and eskimo kisses are always welcome here.
I’m reverting back to Version One – but I will leave Version Two posted in the comments section.
Version 2
With our legs
dangling
stupidly
over an old wooden bridge,
he asks me if I ever pray.
The hot, sour smell
of the train tracks behind us
mixes with the scent of our stolen beer
and his muscular and flexing cologne.
Through the darkness I
feel him studying me intensely,
the world, all jokes and testosterone
momentarily quiet,
as if the crickets and crawfish wait
without breath
for my answer.
I think, without pause,
Yeah I pray. You’re here, aren’t you?
but only mumble an awkward
“I guess”
and let a crushed, empty can
fall
into the water below.
Sometimes simpler is better I guess… I prefer the first version, even though I really like the part about the crickets and crawfish in the second one. Seems like maybe you could use that somewhere… very nice, very evocative.
You have turned into the meticulous fiddler with tiny details, Bryan. The poems are better for it of course. A poem is a series of decisions and how to make those decisions is a question, instinct, maths or learned technique. Anyway, doesn’t matter, just stopped by to say they are brilliant and you are a superstar. And the poem up the top of this, the posted one, is finished. It is perfect as bare as it is. Aesthetic unity, fusion of style form and idea. Yayayya, rage on,
[...] ‘teenage boys’ by Bryan Borland [...]
Thanks for all the help along the way, guys. I may try submitting this one a few places & see where it goes. I wrote it years ago – but it seems to have stood the test of time.
And a special thanks to Paul for including this poem here: http://crashrattleandroll.wordpress.com/
Such an honor.
This poem was also moved up to the front of the line for a reason – in honor of my new friend Eric, who is doing something musically special with it this Friday night. Wow ‘em, E!
Sorry about being a little late to the party here, Bryan, but nevertheless: 1) I liked the first version best. 2) Make that “loved it more”, not “liked it better”. Guess I’m in on the revision thing, too.
But is it only me, or could you have taken “You’re here aren’t you” out of it as well? This could very well simply be the way I read it, but to me, the imagery and the gratitude/insecurity (depends of your interpretation) of previous lines is more than powerful enough to stand alone.
But again, my point that I loved it.
Bryan,
This one is awesome. I can feel the whole scene and you bring back memories of summer when I was young. This made me smell the creosote on the railroad ties. I used to live close to railroad tracks and we would often walk them looking for greens to eat. The line “you are here, aren’t” though unspoken by the writer really says it all. Great writing.
Bev
Bryan,
This is me after reading your poem (Version 1):
;_______; I’m too sad to study now.
Another great piece!
i like the first one more, something in the beauty of it get lost in the 2nd one. the simplicity and feeling of being shy to realy say what one feels is desapearing in the 2nd one.
any how.. it is wonderful to read, piece that takes me back onto my self in other lives
I vote for Version 1…. Sometimes less really IS more… especially when it’s well done.
[...] in this recording, but it’s the music that I really want to share. The poems, in order, are Teenage Boys, Strings, and Morning Coffee. I suggest reading the poems in print as you listen to the [...]
I’ve elected only to comment on your work when it can’t be helped…when I’m compelled. Otherwise, I’d be gushing over everything and swelling you head LOL You have a way of capturing the complexities of simple moments that evokes memories I can relate to, even if I’ve never experienced them myself…I feel as though I have. You work makes me “feel,” and so I was compelled to thank you ;o)
Marxxx,
What a comment. I am humbled, honored, and grateful.
Oops! I meant to write, YOUR work makes me feel; see, it isn’t just me who forgets to edit the comments LOL ;o) Keep writing and inspiring me to do the same.
Marxxx (AKA MarcusAntwann)
[...] Teenage Boys [...]